I am not a Facebook fan though it is useful to keep in touch if you want to stay in touch. However I wonder if is it a good thing to reach to the past all the time? Why is it that you are constantly asked by Facebook where you went to school? (I was in many, more than six.) Or which university you attended if lucky enough to have done so? Or where did you live previously? Where did you work? The answer is obvious - so that your mates are able to track you down. They want to know it is you because you may have changed through the years, all this information is to narrow you down.
I suppose unless you have something to hide, that is not a bad idea but it is to me who likes the shadows. I find it annoying. If I have not spoken to a school friend in thirty years I dare say I do not really want to speak to him now. We have moved on and we have a lifetime of experience behind us. I do not attend reunions and really cannot care less about people who are only on Facebook to satisfy their own inquisitiveness. Hence my profile is reasonably well secured against any "pokers" as we shall call them. Unless I know you or want to know you, you will not be under my friends list. Having said that, I am easy to trace, type my name in and the screen lights up with links. It was not always like that, before Melissa, I was impossible to trace on the internet and preferred it like that. These days I don't care. It is not important anymore to be invisible; my life is an open book up to a point.
Yesterday was three years since Melissa left for her tribal lands, known to you as Florida, USA. I have not seen her since although we had thousands of emails and Skyped when we could. I did my best to be busy yesterday and even attended a meeting I knew before I walked in was not going to realise much results. And it was nice to be busy but you know what? You cannot escape your thoughts and when you have almost total recall like I do then three years are yesterday. I remember kissing Melissa goodbye at the international gate and holding her close. I remember us saying we will be one again soon, within months when the visa is sorted out. We had no idea we will never physically touch again though I may have suspected it as an unconscious level. In the end, when she became ill she would say she should never have got onto that flight. That every wife is entitled to her husband at her side and that "soon" is not quick enough. Yes, we had no idea that our dreams will be shattered and the sadness combined with loneliness will arrive like a damn unwelcome guest who just don't want to leave and always come back. Perhaps the lack of knowledge is a good thing too because I would have kept her here if I had known. We were happy, I can tell you that, like only souls can be.
The Lord says that everything works together to come to a good end, a positive result for those who have faith. I believe that. I know in my heart this is not the end for us. I don't care how long it takes for me to get to heaven but that I will do and I will find you my wife and we will be one again. I laugh at the saying of a thousand lifetimes to do that...I will find you even if it takes eternity and though I may be older you will be your beautiful self and I will recognise you. I often imagine a place with no hunger, pain, divides like an ocean and idiotic officials with a pen. Yes a place with love where nothing can separate us again. I have more to look forward to than what some believe is possible. They focus on the wrong side, the negative one instead of the positive. I pity them.
I have learned the hard way that words of encouragement are cheap and when you are down you only have one sure way to get smiling again. Your memories and the Holy Spirit, I listen to our songs and sometimes I listen to selected gospel music. It is not often that I am that down that I need to do so but when I do I feel better. I remember what the future is and I feel great. The tears stop and the smile return and I remember your eyes smiling at me. Yes, I smile too because you gave me life. Before your death I did not see the heavenly reward of eternal life as anything worthy being called a reward. After all, life is hard and the ability to suffer even longer is really nothing to strive for...but since then I have focussed on what is good in that promise.
It is ironic for you were an atheist when I met you, my soul. Normally I don't even speak to such people, why should I? They ain't anything to me and their philosophies completely silly as much as mine are to them. Nowhere does the Bible actually state that you have to keep on preaching to the same people who treats your messages as a swine does with pearls. Hence I could not care less about such people and still don't, one day when they burn in hell they will know and even then I would not care. But you were different because you are my soul. And when you returned to God the enemy's attacks on you started immediately. That creature too will one day burn and I will enjoy it.
It is written that the death of a child of God is no small thing to the Lord and yours too was no small thing. I frown on frivolous comments from people who have never experienced the death of a soul. If they did they would not be that stupid and make such comments. It changed me a lot. I don't care about wealth or life on earth at all, I only live to go home. I realised I lost nothing in this place and it is only a journey. A test to see who goes where and I look at the rat race around me with pity. It is hard to explain the silliness of stressing about crap you brought onto yourself as if it is soooo important to have a new car, a new flat screen television and the latest mobile phone. It is earthly crap and shows how far adrift we have become from the straight and narrow path. When on your deathbed, I assure you, it will not matter to you. So it does not matter to me how much money I may make, I want a simple life to serve our Lord to get to where you are. I don't care about honours and recognition...I already had the greatest honour to be your husband, what possibly can there be of more value to me? Nah, it cannot compete with holding your hand and seeing the love in your eyes. I don't care.
So I look at this Facebook thing and people trying to live in the past and if honest will know it is for the wrong motives - to see who is fat, grey and rich. I pity such people. Let the past go and work on your future and the future is now, in your own hands no matter what cards you were dealt by life. You have once chance only.
Koos Kotze is a former member of the South African Police Force. He served between 1985 and 1991 primarily as a sergeant in the Pretoria Flying Squad. After leaving the Police Force he obtained the law degrees B Iuris & LLB at the University of the Free State (Bloemfontein, South Africa) and was a practicing commercial law attorney for eight years. He also wrote several books on business, law, counter terrorism and security issues. He is a widower and lives in Bloemfontein, South Africa.