We are too quick to point fingers at each other. I suppose it is a nice pastime when you are angry with life and I too am guilty of such behavior so I am not judging you. I noted in the news this morning that a woman took pictures with her mobile phone of her child’s coffin being moved from her house. What exactly happened I don’t know as such reality television programs (oh look how cute & rich I am) bore me enough to switch channels but it seems the teenager had an overdose or something. Now my views on drug addicts are well-known and controversial as I don’t feel sorry for them, not the least. I believe from almost 28 years of law enforcement and legal knowledge that the loved ones (parents, wife etc.) suffer more than the selfish addict who will not listen and don’t care. However what attracted my attention is the nasty comments from readers on her mom’s behavior by taking those pictures and also drinking something fancy from a glass.
At first I thought, wow, how insensitive and inappropriate behavior. You really should not be standing around taking selfies (this was just a video, not a selfie) at such a time. And then I remember myself acting rather strangely when Melissa died. I got the news and the next morning after the very worst night in my life but also the best since she appeared at my side just after 04AM to explain what went wrong, I sent her a last email: “My wife, I will not email you again. You are dead. I love you. Your husband, K.”
We deal with grief in our own way and my way is to write books honoring her in codes and to hide from life. We see this in nature also. The wounded gemsbok (Afrikaans for an Oryx, a dangerous beast) will always move into thorn trees for cover and kill whatever comes at it. There were times when I seriously wanted to shoot those well-meaning friends (no family, except for my mom I have yet to hear any word of sorrow from them) who tried to console me. It directly led to the book “When the Tears Stop” as I got the impression that most of us have no idea what to say to the widower or widow. So you say the wrong things and you create lifelong animosity. Of course saying nothing is even more pathetic and shows your lack of breeding, respect and cold heart for the entire world to see.
So I am reluctant to point fingers at this woman and just feel sorry for her loss. Perhaps she is trying to get memories or perhaps that is the way she is and coping with it. Fact is who are we to judge?
As a legal man we often judge people and mostly harshly. Yet, we had not walked in his shoes and we don’t really know what let him to that path. Oh we know the road to hell is covered in good intentions but do we really show compassion? A man serves his sentence, pays his dues to society and then what? The crime / mistake / act of desperation are held against him no matter what high sounding phrases we use. I know about men who were not appointed to managerial positions because of a bad debt they incurred years ago. Why is that? When you talk to the man (most won’t, they had already made up their minds or pointed fingers) you find he was done in by banksters and a grave miscarriage of justice took place. This directly led to my book on how to deal with banksters and their hounds from hell called “debt collectors,” "Your Worst Enemy." A book I am proud to say download by the tens of thousands and I will never charge money for it. And I will murder a few banksters in my new upcoming non-fiction books too.
How hard is it to forgive I ask? Very hard, probably the hardest thing ever is to forgive and to say “God, you demand the right to judge and take vengeance, so carry on…I am walking away and abide by whatever You decide to do.” And yet we know if we don’t forgive we will not have an easy life. You will not have peace and the cancer will grow inside you. It is not easy but I believe it starts with a mirror – have a good look at your own life before you judge. And if you find no faults in yourself, buy another mirror. There is no one perfect in this world. Be grateful you have only your own problems.
Koos Kotze is a former member of the South African Police Force. He served between 1985 and 1991 primarily as a sergeant in the Pretoria Flying Squad. After leaving the Police Force he obtained the law degrees B Iuris & LLB at the University of the Free State (Bloemfontein, South Africa) and was a practicing commercial law attorney for eight years. He also wrote several books on business, law, counter terrorism and security issues. He is a widower and lives in Bloemfontein, South Africa.