My beloved, I have been thinking of this blog for a long time. It is your birthday today and you would have been 42 years old, had our Lord decided not to take you home. I do not blame Him or you. Anyone who does not understand you are better off with Him than on this planet with all its callousness and sin is a fool. Where you are you cannot be hurt and you cannot be unhappy. You have won your race and it is a matter of time before we are one again. I get all this and accepts it.
So why do I feel so sad today? I know my soul is yearning for you as I am lost without you. I lie awake at night missing you and wondering how it could have been. How much more I could have learned from you. There are deep lines in my face you would not recognize and my hair has turned much greyer in the last six months. But Honey, I am not complaining. The time we had was wonderful and the time we will have one day will be even better. It will be for eternity in the house of our Heavenly Father and for that I thank you. Since 21 May I have learned to be grateful for memories of laughter and the unconditional love you gave me. It does not matter to me what further honours are bestowed on me in the future, or the past for I already obtained the highest possible in being able to say "Melissa is my wife and soul mate and she loves me." I wanted no more and asked for nothing less. You completed me and still do.
I often stare at your pictures and I fall in love again, like I did when you were alive. Sometimes the screen would turn off because I am lost in thought and remembering where you were when it was taken. Then I see my reflection and I am smiling. That don't happen often...I rarely smile or laugh these days but the wise ones amongst us say that will come back as time passes. I hope so and I know that when I dream of you as I do at times, I always wake up smiling.
To me you will always be young and vibrant and full of life. With one exception, I have no pictures of you or even a memory where you are not smiling. I asked you about that once. Do you remember Honey? You replied "I am pretty happy K. I have you in my life and before that I knew about you. So I smile." Those kind words mean as much to me today as they did then. I too am smiling as I type this because of the memories you gave me. You changed my life when on earth - you made me human and after 21 May you taught me not to hate and to be grateful. Such life lessons never come easy, my wife, but with you it was easy. So natural and just the way it was meant to be. I am very grateful these days to remember us and our love for each other.
You are not forgotten either. Jennifer took your plants and made a garden of remembrance for you. I mentioned this in a book and now such small gardens are springing up world-wide. I know, because the readers take the time to tell me and email me pictures. They all send their love and regards to you, my American Patriot, and I always read such letters to you. I translate it to English so you can understand, as I know you do, because you are in my heart and there you will stay until I join you. There is nothing on this earth which will separate you from me. I love you as much today as I did when you were alive. Nothing has changed and nothing will. Death has no meaning for souls.
It will be soon be Thanksgiving and 15 December, when we first met, and then Christmas. There will be many days on which I celebrate your life, your love and your great heart, kindness and patriotism towards your country. It was Kris Kristofferson who wrote in a song "I'd trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday. Holdin' Bobby's body next to mine" but I don't have to trade anything. Praise the Lord for the price was already paid on a cross at a hill called Golgotha just over 2000 years ago. The time will come when our Lord takes me home and we will be one forever. It is written so I have peace. I can live my remaining time in God's service doing what needs to be done within my own limited abilities. This place, earth, is not my home. I am just passing through on my way to you. I laugh with contempt at the rats running a useless race for riches they cannot possibly take with them. I also pray that they wake-up and see what is really important in life.
When we first met we talked for days on end without a break. I played you a song, from the band Smokie: "I was lost and at an end, It seemed so long, I really needed a friend, Why should I pretend? I couldn't think I had to see. That Southern Comfort comforts me, I could be free, But where would I be? Then you came along, And you sang your song, And you made my day, In your special way, Then I knew, That Baby it's you, Baby it's you, You know that it's you I'm thinking of, Baby it's you. Try my best to get along, Made some friends, but something always went wrong, I come on too strong, Things were really getting rough, Getting tired of acting like I was tough, I just had enough. Then you came along, And you sang your song, And you made my day, In your special way. Then I knew, That baby it's you, Baby it's you, You know that it's you I'm thinking of."
The answer is very simple. If I could be free of this place, I would be in heaven with you. Where else would I want to be? Do you know my love; that you always made me proud? That I have never hesitated to introduce you to my friends and they all admire and love you. It was that way wherever you went and whoever you touched. Even in our books you played your part and you are receiving hundreds of letters because of it. Yes, you will never be forgotten. I read these letters to you also and we speak every day. Your love and patriotism towards your country earned you your Nome de plume, "my American Patriot"...that you will always be.
So Melissa, Happy Birthday and best wishes,
Koos Kotze is a former member of the South African Police Force. He served between 1985 and 1991 primarily as a sergeant in the Pretoria Flying Squad. After leaving the Police Force he obtained the law degrees B Iuris & LLB at the University of the Free State (Bloemfontein, South Africa) and was a practicing commercial law attorney for eight years. He also wrote several books on business, law, counter terrorism and security issues. He is a widower and lives in Bloemfontein, South Africa.