My wife, time flies, I was busy the last year, trying to carry on with life without you, my soul. In my grief I typed fifteen full length books with codes in them for you to smile about, there I have control and you cannot die. As I write, I look up from the screen as I do now and I see you smile at me as I tell the stories to you first. And whenever I see you, you are healthy, thin, smiling and always happy – your beautiful self as I knew you when we first met and fell in love. I can tell with a glance that you are in a better place and that you are safe from the evils of this world - this aspect of your departure gives me much comfort. One day I will join you as I said in our latest book: “The day you died was the worst day in my life, ever, but the day I die will be the best day ever, because I will be with you.” And we will be one again, this time for a thousand years and then eternity and in the presence of our Lord. It is written and that is what faith means, to believe where others have no hope and they are lost. We are not lost Missa, your death gave me hope, is that not ironical, my wife? Yes, I see you smiling. You always get me, more than anyone else.
In the last year I have learned not to hate. God knows how, because I don’t, it is only grace. I found peace and forgave those who harmed you – our Lord Jesus will deal harshly with them and I do not wish to be in their shoes when they suffer the second death, deservedly so unless they repent. I forgave those who could not even get themselves to have the decency, expected from man, to say they were sorry that you went to heaven on 21 May 2014 before your time, as far as I am concerned. I can tell you, the longing for you and the sadness never leaves me. Not a day has gone past where I did not think of you and sometimes I stare at your pictures and wonder what could have been had life been kinder to us. Nevertheless, all in all, I am good and carrying on. I have faith and thus I have hope for us. There is no need for you to worry about me. Death is nothing but an inconvenience to souls.
You know that you cannot be replaced in my heart where you are honoured and treasured. One point six million words and more I wrote to say how much I loved you, I then realised our love cannot be put in words and it is anyway pointless because you know and I know and so it is. We know. As the years pass people will forget and the hurt will become less, but your legacy will never leave this earth as long as our books are read. The readers know what a wonderful soul you are. Yes, you still get fan mail as “my American Patriot” and I still translate your letters where needed, and read them to you. And I give the codes in the other books to your sister and friends, so they know, exactly where we honoured you. But this must be clear, my wife, none of our books or any other honour can ever be worth more to me than your words: “I love you” or “K is my husband” or “Your wife, Melissa.”
If I could I would have given you my life so you could live, but it was not to be. My request was denied and with God there is no appeal procedure, I accept that and patiently await a better place for us. A place where there is no dividing ocean, no sickness and no tears. And so… Happy 29th Birthday, Melissa. I love you. Always.
Koos Kotze is a former member of the South African Police Force. He served between 1985 and 1991 primarily as a sergeant in the Pretoria Flying Squad. After leaving the Police Force he obtained the law degrees B Iuris & LLB at the University of the Free State (Bloemfontein, South Africa) and was a practicing commercial law attorney for eight years. He also wrote several books on business, law, counter terrorism and security issues. He is a widower and lives in Bloemfontein, South Africa.